How The Tables Have Turned... Testimony

I have opened the doors to my heart and let Jesus into my life.

Four years ago, if you asked me what I think of Christianity, I would say religion is all rubbish. Never in my life time would I ever believe in those foolish things. Science has the ability to prove and disprove all kinds of things in this world so why should I ever rely on religious explanations? Religion is just another business scheme and one hell of a good one because it has convinced so many followers and one that raked in major amount of money from being a religious non-profit organization. Everything religious was just junk to me and not a chance would I fall for that. I wasn't negatively against religion, but I felt that it was not necessary in my life and it was not something that I would ever believe in.

Summer of 2013, Isabel asked me if I was interested in attending church. Back then, Isabel was more like an acquaintance. She was Eva's friend and we barely went out together. In fact, I don't think we have seen each other since graduation in 2012. Isabel was a devoted Christian and has been baptized. Many of her friends moved away from Boston area around that time, so she wanted to find some new friends to attend church with on Sundays. I thought, why not? She's pretty cute and it can be an excuse to hang out with her more often and get to know her!

We went to a church in Cambridge for the first time; some random church that she found. My thoughts? It was alright. I vaguely remember that the speaker talked about God's blessing to us and that we should treat each other with respect and gracefulness. I thought the message was very good but it didn't get to me. We left church after the worship was over for lunch. She decided to introduce me to another church that occurs in Chinatown instead. They meet every Sunday, it was more targeted towards the Asian community, and there were more people of our age.

I started attending the Boston Chinese Evangelical Church every Sunday, even on days that Isabel could not make it. I really enjoyed learning that messages of God in terms of looking at life's problem in another prospective. While you're stressed or upset or angry, there are different ways of dealing with the issue. Going to church gave me comfort. It made me feel peaceful and calm. But it still didn't get to me. I was attending every Sunday morning, but that was about it. It was quite a big church and even though people were nice to me, I didn't really meet any new friends. They all seemed to already have their own group of friends and I usually leave after the morning worship. I keep His message in mind, but it didn't really do much.

September 2013, while driving to a 5k run with Susanna and Baldwin, we got into a car accident. My car was totalled and cannot be repaired. Luckily, Susanna, Baldwin, and I were all safe. At that moment, I truly believed that God was watching over us and that he had more plans for us (I think that went through my head because I was attending church at that time). I prayed to Him that night thanking Him that we are all alive and safe. But that was about it. I didn't have a car for a month, I got lazy, and I stopped going to church. I eventually bought a bible, but it ended up in a drawer collecting dust. That was the end of that.

2015. Over the years, I'd pray about random stuff that were insignificant and lane. But then I was unhappy with my life, my job, and wanted change, but I didn't know what to do. I started praying to God asking Him to show me what I should do. Isabel turned up to have a client in Providence for a week, so she decided to stay at my house for the week since I live closer to Providence. While being at my house, I explained to her about my situation and that I am unhappy about my job and a lot of other things but didn't know what to do. She told me that I should look into this thing called a Working Holiday Visa. It's a visa that lets me go to another country, travel, and work without having to have a company sponsor me a working visa. I was still doubtful about leaving home and leaving Dexter. Within two months, I made up my mind, quit my job, and went for it. At first, I wanted to go to New Zealand, but things didn't work out so I ended up spending the year in Australia.

Things went smoothly for me and I met a lot of new friends and experience a lot of new things in Australia. When I chose to settle down in Melbourne due to my love for the city, I didn't know what to expect in Melbourne. I found a job in December 2015 and had to move out of Melbourne Metro YHA. I moved into an apartment where I met Nina and Josh, both of which attends a "care group" -- a Christian bible study group that meets every Friday night to dine together, study the words of God, an to learn more about Christianity. Nina asked if I would be interested in joining. I gladly accepted the offer thinking it's another good chance to just meet new people! After all, I made a goal to boost my confidence and talk with people instead beating around the bush bring shy.

I started to attend the care group every Friday night, even on days when Josh could not attend (Nina has already left for Sydney/Tasmania for a job opportunity). Although I was reluctant to go on some Fridays, I pushed myself to go. The care group have some of the nicest people that I have ever met. As I continue to attend the group, I gradually felt that they gave me a sense of being a part of the family. Especially Kay and Nat -- they really made me felt like being part of a close knitted family and I am welcome to attend whenever I am available. I didn't get to attend church that often which took place on Saturdays due to work at the hostel. The group is part of Seventh-Day Adventist Church. They worship on Saturday because Saturday is the seventh day of the week for them. From sunset of Friday to sunset of Saturday, they restrain from doing any work and the time is supposed to be spent with friends and God. Worship Him and go on nature walks; enjoy and take in the beauty of His creation. I really felt that I was part of a family, but I haven't felt anything for God or Jesus. I was more just there to be with the people than to be part of a religious thing.

Easter was around the corner. Nat told me about a camping trip that is occurring over Easter weekend with the church and he recommended that I should attend. He said it'd be fun and there's going to be a lot of people there; over a hundred! At first, I was very hesitant about going. Even with early registration, it was $150! That can last me a whole week worth of food! I was about to back out, but something made me felt that I should just go and enjoy it because the people in my care group was going to be here and I wanted to take that opportunity to get to know them better. Plus, I have never tried camping before, so it would be a great opportunity to experience camping. Also, there's going to be A LOT of people which means a great chance to meet more new people!!

I registered early and took Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off from work, but I was still hesitant... I didn't pay until the last moment when I was for sure that I was going to go! Lol... My housemate was saying that I might regret going because I wasn't religious at all and I might feel out of place. I said I'm just going to have fun and do all the non-religious things. Thursday night, I packed my small backpack and downloaded a Bible app so I can refer to it since they sent out an email listing what to bring, including a bible.

Friday morning, I kind of over slept. I wanted to wake up at 8, be out of my apartment by 9:30 and get to Melbourne University by 10:15. That was the time that the email said we will meet up at, but I showed up at 10:23 and we were waiting for people until 11:30 haha... I got paired up with Adrian's car along with Miriam and Tess, everyone from Olive Trees care group~ The drive was not bad and we got there safely. It's weird that once I leave the city, it's all farm land and empty land haha... In Massachusetts, we can still see houses in the suburbs wayyyy out of the city. We settled down and started doing some warm up mini activities/ice breakers to get to know our individual groups better.

Overall, the camp was filled with really fun activities as well as talks. It can't always be fun and games, you know! I always enjoy informative discussion panels. I don't know why people always think it's boring (Anime Boston, ECCASU, Knowledge Week, etc.). I guess it's because I'm the kind of person that is always seeking for new knowledge, so I enjoy attending discussion panels. I met a lot of new friends and I felt... Different. I was more open. When we did reflections on talks, I actually voluntarily speak in the group as to in the past, I wouldn't speak up unless I am picked on. During bonfire, I sang out loud and had the best time of my life without worrying that other people might judge me. I truly felt that these people accept you for who you are. They're different kind of people. They're the kind of people that loves you for who you are. They won't think you're weird. They won't exclude you from them because they think you're different. A lot of them even approached to talk to me. I felt comfortable greeting other people that I did not know as to regularly, I'd just shift my eyes away like I did not see them.

But the greatest thing about this Easter camp is that it changed me. I truly felt I was touched by the messages sent from God when the speakers were teaching.
"What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one which is lost until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing." - Luke 15:4-5
Jesus would never leave you wandering. He celebrates one sinner who repents rather than only caring for the 99 that does not need to repent. "I would never leave you hangin'~" Another thing that hit me was that Jesus loves you no matter what. He has unconditional love for you and he's knocking on your door waiting for you no matter how long it takes.

While reflecting, Miriam mentioned something that I been seeking for for a long long time.
"People say if you don't see God, how do you know that he exist? But can you see wind? Can you see love? They're not something that you can see, but something that you can feel. That is just like God. You will feel His presence and his love. You don't need to see Him to believe in Him."

Slowly but surely, near the end of the camp, I finally felt Him... I started thinking and everything seemed to piece together... Jesus has been looking over me this whole time. Back in 2013, Isabel told me that if I truly believe in Him, I should find a night before going to bed to pray to Jesus. Tell Him that you are ready to let Him into your life and to ask for forgiveness for all of your sins. Tell Him that I will let Him lead my life and I will trust in Him and believe in Him. I did that one night but then totally brushed it off like I didn't do anything. But over the years, He was leading my life. He saved me from the car crash. He heard my prayers. He sent Isabel to me to let me know about Working Holiday visa. He led me to Australia. He led me to Melbourne. He led me to my current apartment to meet Nina and Josh. He led me to Olive Trees care group. He led me to Easter camp. It was all part of his plan to save me and educate me. It was all part of His plan to provide me the opportunity to learn more about Him and welcome Him into my life and to trust Him on his plans. I welcomed Him into my heart once and I want to do it once again. This time, I will genuinely let Him into my life and let Him lead me because I know He knows me better than I do. Jesus Christ, I want to make space in my heart for you.

Calling it Over?

I couldn't sleep, so I decided to pull out my laptop and blog about it.

My parents are taking care of Dexter for me for the past few months while I am away from home. Last month, my mom sent me a WeChat message saying that Dexter was behaving weird. He lost his appetite and seemed to be lack of energy for anything. He'd do his business on his walk and turn around immediately to head back home. At night, he'd start whining when my parents go upstairs to sleep. I got worried, but my mom reassured me that the very next day, he was back to normal and very energetic. A few days ago, my mom told me he randomly vomited in the middle of the day and he hasn't been having appetite for his own food. Dexter has been pretty spoiled with table food, so I kind of just brushed it off and assumed that he'll be fine. Today, I received multiple messages from my mom saying he is still not really eating food. He vomited again in the living room and it took my mom the whole day to clean and to get rid of the smell. For the past two days, he didn't do his #2 on his walk but instead do it over night in the living room.

That has been stressing me out all day. I was not in the mood to go to Mundo Lingo, but I ended up going because I wanted to take my mind off of that for a bit. I keep reminding myself to not stress over something that I cannot control, but Dexter is really important to me. Is it my parent's fault? They're spoiling him to no end. He's getting table food. My mom would let him out on his own to do his business while she goes to take a shower. He'd disappear into the woods for hours before coming back to the house. He's lacking discipline and no one to follow because my parents are so laid back with him. But it's not my parent's fault. It's my fault for leaving him with them. My mom keeps blaming me for leaving the dog with them and I need to come home soon... I feel guilty, but I want to blame my mom for everything that has happened. For moving to Attleboro. For not caring about how I feel about moving. For being too busy about earning money hopefully to give me a better life, but ended up leaving me lost. For not being there when I really needed someone. For telling me how I should live my life. For telling me that I'm wasting my time because I should be spending my youth years earning money. I adopted Dexter because I wanted a companion. Does she know how depressing it was to drive two hours home from work to return to a 1,800 sqft house with just me in it? Attleboro was the worse years of my life.

I don't know how I feel. I don't want to say I made a wrong decision for bringing Dexter home. I would never give him up. But what am I suppose to do? The thoughts kept running through my head...
"This is the perfect time. I'm 26 years old and I am going to take this opportunity to go travel the world, experience new things, obtain new knowledge, do everything that I've ever wanted to do. Live the life that I want to live. I broke free, so don't let my parents restrain me and tell me how to live my life. At the end of the day, it's my life. I should do whatever the fuck I want to do."
I truly want to really take these youth years to just keep discovering myself. I'm not ready to go home yet. But I have this little kid at home waiting for me to go home. After hearing what was going on with Dexter, I seriously thought about flying back home next month. Will I regret cutting my travels short for a dog? Will I regret it if anything were to happen with Dexter and I can't be there for him? I don't know. I really don't know... I know that if I go home now, I won't be doing anymore long term traveling and things will just go back to how it was before; living the boring day to day same old shit life. I also worry that having my parents not knowing how to manage taking care of Dexter will hinder my enjoyment of my travels because I will be worrying about back home. I inquired a friend today about the situation and he recommended that I find a friend that can help me take care of Dexter and preferably someone that is knowledgeable about dogs. But I already feel like a burden to have my parents take care of him. It would make it worse if I ask a friend to help because it's like asking a friend to look after your own kid for 5 months. That's just unreasonable because other people have things going on with their lives to be looking after your dog. It won't be an option but thanks for caring, Justin.

I felt better after Mundo Lingo. I asked if Satie will eat out with me for dinner so I can discuss it with someone, but she had other plans with friends. I ended up going to Coles, bought some meat, and came back to the apartment to make my own dinner. I just hope that the answer will come to me soon. I asked Unkei and Danny to help with the vaccination for Dexter. My mom told me to just send information on what to show the vet over on WeChat so she can show it to them, but honestly... I don't trust leaving my mom with that on her own. The vet will start asking questions and my mom would not know what to do from there. She keeps feeling like a burden on my friends to ask for help, but my friends are really willing to help out whenever they can.

*Yawn*

It was 39°C today, so Pancake Parlour was giving out free milkshake again. I went to the gym and decided I wanted to grab some free milkshake before going to bed. Satie decided to come with me, which is cool because I always enjoy a good talk with her. I finally feel like I've found a best friend here. We were talking about families and I felt something changed in me. I feel like I'm trying to reach deeper philosophically haha... Dreams are just what we want. Dreams are imagination. It's okay to have dreams, as long as we know how to differentiate dreams apart from goals. Goals are what we want to create. Life goals. Things that we know we can put our mind into and possible to achieve. It's very different from dreams because dreams are just desires without plans or progress.

Sometimes, I'm really glad that I had a poor childhood. A single mother trying to raise me while working at a sweatshop making minimum wage and trying to get through hoping that I turn into a successful man. She would beat me when I start crying about not being able to buy the flavoured water because it was too expensive. She would beat me because my teacher sent home notices saying that I wasn't paying attention in class and instead talk to my friend while the teacher was teaching. My mom apologized to me. But it wasn't her fault. Although I have not reached my full potential, you're a great mother, I grew up well, and currently doing what makes me happy. There's not that many things in life that I want. I just want my families, friends, the people around me, and Dexter to be happy and healthy. I have mini goals but I'm sure I will work towards what I would want to achieve ultimately in life slowly and steadily. I am only 26 years old. I have a long road ahead of me. I have a lot of time and there are so many things in life that I have not experienced yet. I want to live my life at my own pace. Don't worry, mother. I will make it and I will make you proud.

So I've been slacking off on blogging hahaha... On top of that, I've been quite busy lately trying to fill my last month here in Melbourne with activities and things to keep me busy. :) Two weekends ago, Satie, her friend, me, and Eliza made a trip to Mornington Peninsula. Boy was it beautiful. I can say it's as good if not, better than Great Ocean Road. At first, forecast said it would be a cloudy day with rain, but the weather turned out better than expected. We had a lot of fun and it was only AU$40 per person for the day trip. Beats going with a tour group!

Work has been not too bad either. Sometimes, I feel under appreciated, but that's just me being salty haha... This week is going to be busy busy busy because we're going to get a yearly inspection to see if we still qualify to be a YHA. Although I read and pretty certain that I cannot meet the requirement to apply for a second year visa back to Australia, I'm going to set mid-April as my last day of work here in Melbourne, take half a month off to travel some more, and the step my foot into Queensland for another new adventure into life. I'll be there from May to the end of August. Once that is done, I am for certain that I will do another year around New Zealand! Then who knows? 2 years in Germany? I had another talk with Satie a few days back too and I came to a conclusion for myself. At the end of the day, it is my life and I should live it the way that I want to live. Do what I want to do because this is the best time to do it! I will probably have more responsibilities once I get to around 30 years old and I won't have the same opportunity as I do now.

I'm really grateful for where I am right now and I am happy for all those I've achieved, even if it's just little things. These little things adds up to big things because not everyone can do what I've done. We humans have different goals and different paths. Walk the path that you want to walk towards and don't regret a single choice in life.

Zzz